Oh Mama

The phrase I have uttered most often in the past six weeks is simply, "Oh, Mama."

I utter it when I'm tired. When I'm sad. When I'm happy. When I don't know what I am, but just need to utter...

I'm not a talker, but I am a thinker. I imagine scenes and what-ifs and shoulda-coulda-woulda's. I'm never bored, even if I have nothing to do, because I always have something going on inside my head.

I've experienced some pretty traumatic life situations. And survived. Sometimes I think part of the reason I'm a pretty even keeled person (yes, I am... stop laughing) is because I've already imagined and planned how I might react in different situations.

But there is one situation that over the years I never could successfully imagine. Living without my Mom. It was almost like if I don't pre-imagine it, it will never happen. So here I am fumbling through life unprepared for this predicament I find myself in. Oh Mama.

It's not like I had daily contact with my Mom. Sometimes it wasn't even weekly. But I knew she was there. Her picture is pinned to the side of my computer and when I look at it, I still don't really believe that she is no longer here. Oh Mama.

Today is your birthday Mama. Seventy. Seventy somehow seems a threshold. A crossing over into "old" (although, in another decade, I'm sure I'll move the threshold to 80) You never became old, Mama. Sometimes I console myself with this thought. Other times it torments me. Oh Mama.

Oh, there are things I regret. Like not being freer to say "I love you" more often. Like not thanking you enough. Like taking you for granted. But I know you understand. Truly, I do know you understand. Not just because you are living eternity with Jesus now, but because I know you understand. You always did. Oh Mama.

But more prevalent than regret, there are things I am thankful for. Mostly for your example. Oh Mama. As an adult woman, I consider some of the situations you have experienced. And to be honest, I struggle with anger and offence over some of it. But you didn't. Mama, there is no finer example I could of had.

I am so very thankful for the amazing man God has provided as husband for me. But if there is anything in our 31-year successful marriage credited to me, I share the credit with you Mama. While I hold my Mother-in-law in high esteem as a wife, truly it was you, Mama, who gave me no finer example. Pretty much daily I think WWMD. What Would Mama Do?

Oh Mama.

May 4, 2013 is the 70th anniversary of your birth, Mama. I choose to celebrate and honour the enormous gift you were, and still are, to all who had the privilege to cross paths with you. I choose not to mourn my enormous loss in  your passing into eternity. I choose gratefulness. Oh Mama. 

Today, in honour of your birthday, I assembled a shadow box of roses from your funeral and a picture of you exuding joy in your "happy place".
I love you Mama. And I miss you. Oh I miss you. Happy Birthday.