"He's gone."
A very short sentence, with life altering impact, that needed no further explanation.
Without a doubt the three worst phone calls I have ever had to make. On the worst day of my life- November 28, 2018.
It's been two years today since I said goodbye to the man who had been my everything for 38 years and eight days.
I've done a lot of reminiscing this past week or so. I recall last year fearing the coming of November 28, the first anniversary of losing him, and how it signified to me a moving on of sorts. Well, actually I prefer to think of it as a moving forward.
And here at the second anniversary, I acknowledge that by the grace of God, I have moved forward. This doesn't mean I forget all that Albert brought to my life. For surely I am blessed beyond measure every.single.day by the things he provided for me. And daily I am grateful. Even on days when missing him actually physically hurts my heart.
I would have NEVER imagined that I would be remarried two years later. Never imagined who I would be remarried to. Never imagined building a new house. Never imagined, never imagined, never imagined....
Never imagined.
I actually have a fantastic imagination.
And I do tend to imagine stuff.
I try not to live in fear and imagine the worst 'what ifs."
But I do find myself often imagining "what if ...." And then trying to pre-live a scenario. Not so much to bring fear upon myself, but more in a "prepare myself for anything" situation. And I truly believe it has saved me on many an occasion to walk through situations with a little more grace and confidence than might be expected. Or than I actually feel.
Walking through grief is always uncharted territory. And there is no set pattern to follow. No right way to grieve. No wrong way to navigate. No matter how many grief sessions you are required to walk through.
I have lost a child. Lost my Mom. Lost my Dad. Lost my grandparents. Lost my bestest friend. Lost my in-laws. Lost my 37-year husband. And at times have felt I've lost my sanity.
And I still don't know how to accurately walk through this sh!t.
Truly I want more than anything to be able to post a blog or write a book with a step-by-step guide on how to navigate loss.
But there is no such guide.
The absolute best advice I can give is to daily be grateful. This is ultimately what has sustained me. Being grateful every.single.day. Even on the hardest days, find something to be grateful for.
As encouraged by St Paul in Thessalonians, in everything give thanks. It doesn't mean being thankful for everything that comes your way. But rather, in every circumstance focus your mind on things you can be grateful for.
I can't describe it, but finding gratitude in all things has changed my life.
And for that I am grateful.
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| This man. I am so grateful for the foundation we had that can launch me forward with the grace of Jesus into the future. |
