Gratitude and Attitude.

January 15th??! How'd we get here already.

I was off to such a flying start, blogging 3 days in a row, finding things to be grateful for each day and generally feeling kinda smug that 2019 was not going to take me down. But take me down, it did.

Oh my goodness. I have definitely been sicker in my life, but I don't ever recall being down and out for 11 days like that. Each day I'd lay in bed and think, "Ok, maybe today I will get dressed." And then I'd walk from the bed to the toilet to pee (less than 4 steps) and I'd need a nap.

I wore my Apple watch in bed because it took less energy to look at my wrist than to actually lift up my phone to see the time or read a text. I fell short of the ideal 10,000 steps every single day. (Ok, no surprise here as the only time I actually reached 10,000 was the day, before I got sick, that I shook 1.5 litres of whipping cream into butter and my watch thought I was walking)

One day I reached a grand total of 143 steps. And I attributed about half of those to coughing.

So, I may have lost the first 2 weeks of the year, but I'm ready to face the next 50 with gratitude and attitude.

So grateful to spend a couple of hours after school today with X&M and their Mommy. And even Daddy stopped in after work for a bit. Two weeks is a long time without snuggles in the life of a Granny. And the day topped off with a FaceTime visit with the girlies as well.  My heart is full.

Becoming Unmarried

Today has not been a good day for me on a number of levels, I'm hoping a rant is helpful.

Bruce will be looking for a new forever home. Pm for details :) 

Three years ago next week Bruce came into our lives. Bruce is a Ford F350 Lariat we bought in Kamloops. (Doesn't everyone name their vehicles?) And he is beautiful.

When we were doing the paperwork the salesmen suggested both our names go on the registration. "You know, just in case..." he said, "It makes things easier."

And I've gratefully acknowledged his foresight over the last few weeks.

The insurance is due next week and I didn't feel like doing much else today so I thought I'd take a 1/2 hour and run get that done.

I armed  myself with the papers from the truck, the renewal notices, my driver's licence, Albert's driver's licence, marriage certificate, the will, death certificate and even the truck keys. I expected it would be a fairly straightforward procedure, but I'm learning to be over prepared.

Turns out it's a 90 minute procedure.

Apparently they can't just change the name on the paperwork. Even though I am an equally registered owner, the current policy and registration needed to be cancelled and rewritten. I need to hand in the plates that are on the truck because there is 7 days valid insurance left on them. (But no, there will be no refund issued for those 7 days that cost $5 each to insure) The plates were the one damn thing I didn't take with me.

After a ton of rigamarole involving two insurance agents, and phoning head offices and even Kamloops, where the truck was originally insured 3 years ago, 90 minutes later he quotes me a final cost to insure.  He graciously offered to finish up the paperwork without the plates but I would need to go home and get them and drop them off.

We head over to the pay station and the total on the MasterCard machine is about $300 more than the quote, so I questioned this.

"Oh yes, that quote was for the insurance portion. Then there's the transfer fee, one registration cost, licensing fee and charge for new plates."

WTF? I just had to pay $300 to register and transfer a vehicle I ALREADY FRICKING OWNED!! I'm actually shocked they didn't try to make me pay PST & GST.

Had I known, I would have just re-insured as is and swapped the transfer papers in the spring when I sell it and let the new owner pay the fees. Live 'n learn as they say. It's really no wonder people lie and cheat when they make ICBC claims.

As I put my credit card away and gathered up my papers and new plates, the young man reminded me to return the old plates, preferably today.
"Yes, I will get them," I responded, then added, "as soon as it's convenient." Which I don't see ever happening.

During my hour and a half ordeal, one of the insurance agents was talking with another at the next desk over complaining that she had to find her marriage certificate in order to finalize her divorce.
"I mean really," she said, "How difficult can it be to become unmarried?"

"Well, honey. C'mon over here a lemme tell ya..."



Oh yeah, I'm supposed end on a note of gratefulness. At this point, I'm just grateful this day is nearly over.

Sleep Training

Sleep Training. I'd never even heard of it until a little over a year ago when my youngest grandgirlie got sleep trained.

I don't exactly know what happens in training, but from about six months old, Daphne is in bed at 6:30 and she basically waves to you and rolls over and goes to sleep.  And you don't hear from her until you go in to get her at whatever time. Seriously. She usually wakes sometime between 6:30 and 7:30 but you  don't hear a peep from her until you go get her. She just lays there entertaining herself quietly.

It's odd how grief is capable of presenting itself in all manner of ways. Sometimes it's like a freight train you see coming but powerless to stop it. It just plows you down and rolls its boxcars over you clickety clack, clickety clack, clickety clack.

Other times you're just floating along minding your own business and it sneaks up on you in the form an "add washer fluid" icon on your dash. It devastated me. I knew neither whether I even owned any nor how to add it. Instead I went and got my oil changed because I knew they'd top it up.

I know, you might think it's sad that I'm so clueless, but we had our roles. He didn't know how to make spaghetti or iron a shirt.

But he did open the pickles. Twice now I've cried over jars of pickles tormenting me by refusing to release their grip on their lids. Baby dills and asparagus.

This arrived today from Amazon:

It even has an arrow to remind you what way to turn it.  

I'm sure every grieving spouse has their own list of things that they find difficult to adjust to. Sleeping alone topping the list for many. For many years Albert worked straight nightshift at the pulp mill and was gone 5pm to 6am. I slept alone more than a 1/3 of the time so this is not something that is a huge adjustment for me. This doesn't make it any less horrible, it just means I get to bypass the phase of being nervous and learning how warm up my own cold feet, because I've already got that experience.

So, I say I'd never heard of sleep training, but in fact I was in sleep training for quite a number of years.

And for that I am grateful.

New Reality

They often say that Christmas, or other special days, can be extremely difficult when they come soon after you lose someone. And to be sure, there were some difficult things. But I have to say that I welcomed the distraction. 

It wasn't particularly a distraction from grieving, but rather something to focus on to fill the emptiness that has potential to swallow you up. 

Yesterday I packed up Christmas.

So with my distraction tucked away in boxes in the basement, and the kids all gone back to their respective homes, sh!t gets real now. 

It feels like today, January 2nd, is the first day of my new reality. Even though my old reality ended five weeks ago. 

I don't really know what life will look like a week from now, a month from now, a year from now. But for today I will put one foot in front of the other and begin to walk it out. 

I think I'll start by trying to resurrect the blog a bit. I'll do it mostly as a therapy for me and for my own record keeping. I don't plan to share a daily link on Facebook (but we'll see how exhibitionistic I get) but you are free to follow along, dropping in and out as you see fit. 

Two goals, or rather determinations, I have for my new reality are that I want to try to be intentionally grateful each day for something. Anything. Some days this may be something as grandiose as heaven itself, and other days it may simply be wine. 

And speaking of wine, my second determination is to try (notice my casual insertion of the word 'try' which sort of gives me an out) not to drink alone because, well just because, it can lead to places I don't want to go.  So, if you think I'm deserving of a glass... c'mon over. 

Now, on with my new reality. 

I'll start by throwing in a load of laundry and washing the kitchen floor. It seems there really is nothing new under the sun after all. 



Today's gratitude item: I have the flexibility to change my mind. Just as I'm about to hit enter on this submission, the kidlets texted to see if they could come over. I'll throw the laundry in, but the floor washing gets punted. 

I Wish You Pleasure and Contentment in 2019

There are two December traditions that for a couple of decades I have been subjecting my circle of family, friends and casual onlookers to. 

The first is early in the month when I send out hand painted (occasionally they have not been painted, but some other sort of handcrafted) Christmas cards.  

The recipient list fluctuates a bit year-to-year according to who is prevalent in my circle, and who moved and didn't leave me a forwarding address. But generally the list sits somewhere around 110 cards. It is a lot of work, but I enjoy it and usually start painting during the summer while out at the cabin. 

For the first time in nearly 20 years those cards didn't go out this year. 

Oh, they got painted. They are assembled. They sit in a stack in my closet. I simply couldn't bring myself to sign just my name on them, for "I" have been "we" all of my adult life. One of the hardest things this Christmas season was to write "Love Granny" on a stack of gifts. 

My second annual tradition is to spam everyone I know with a year-end review of our lives on Christmas Eve, New Year's Eve or New Year's Day - depending on my procrastination level. 

I ditched the cards, but think I'll try to pick up the ball and carry on with the review... 

"Happy New Year!" 

It's how most of us begin the year. 

Google defines "happy' as: Feeling or showing pleasure or contentment. 

And I have to say when 2018 was a "new" year, our home was filled with pleasure and contentment. We had just finished a major renovation to the main living space of our home and managed to move back into it, mostly finished, in time for Christmas dinner. 

We were in Kamloops the first cold and snowy week of the year to watch the girls while Brandi and Kore had a getaway to New York for their 5th anniversary. The sketchy weather (especially back east) meant a few rescheduled flights and turbulent travel, but a trip to remember for them for sure. 

Of course we had no idea on Jan 23 that our 36th anniversary would be our last anniversary. But we did it up in style and picked up McDonalds for supper. 

We coulda done it up fancy for our final anniversary. But we did it real. 

In February I participated in a daily art challenge. It was supposed to be 28 days, but I was enjoying it so much I managed to drag it out for an extra 30 days or so. 

Connie and I headed off to Texas in April for nearly two weeks of sister time. I'm pretty sure it's the only time we've ever spent time like that with just us three sisters. It was great. And even Andy survived it.  

<3 my="" sissies="" td="">

The day after I got home from Texas Albert had a little altercation with an industrial drill and ended up with a broken left hand. That had him off work until the end of June. It was kinda nice to have a couple of months where he couldn't work and we could just hang out, living on reduced income and credit cards. 

After not being removed for over 20 years, his ring was cut off. Kinda symbolic of  what was to come, I think. 

My ever helpful hubby helping the Dr fix up his hand.  

We made a couple of trips to Kamloops while Albert was off work - one of which JimE came along and helped one-armed Papa (and Daddy and Grandpa Geo) build a fancy castle playhouse for the girls. 

June was referred to as "Junuary" because it wasn't all that warm, but we got lots of cabin time in at the lake.  

Maeve, Papa's Little Boopsie Boo, graduated kindergarten. It's crazy how fast time goes. 

I don't know that I ever learned the reason, but during June there were many days that the local gas stations ran out of gas. I'm sure the reasons were political and I don't do politics, so I didn't investigate too hard. 

July saw Ken and Jade celebrating 10 years of marriage. Which also means it's been 10 years since we started hanging out at Vivian Lake. We took Xander and Maeve out there for a few days so K&J could have a few days to themselves. And like typical parents, they came and spent one of the days out there with us. :) 

In August we took Maeve and Jed away with us to attend the Keefers reunion. We managed to make it through all the mudslides in the Cache Creek area, but many others were diverted through to Little Fort and Kamloops. 

On the way home from the reunion we watched as smoke started to roll in and sock in our entire province. And for six weeks people were mostly housebound due to all the forest fires. We didn't get much lake time until after the September long weekend. August felt dull and depressing due to the smoke, even though without the fires it would have been a completely sunny month. 

We took Xander to Kamloops with us for a few days to celebrate Beatrice's fourth birthday. And we brought the girls home to PG with us for a few days while B&K attended a wedding on the Island. 

Freezing cold pitstop on the way home to PG 

A couple of days before Sept 10, when we left for a week in Alberta with JimE, Albert sort of felt like he had a bit of a stomach bug but didn't say much about it, assuming it would be gone in a day or two. 

We were excited to FINALLY be making the trip to Alberta that we'd been promising to Coralie & Greg and Al & Rachelle for a decade and a half.  

Who friggin' knew there was a castle in Alberta??!!? 

He didn't complain while we were gone, even though he really wasn't sleeping and was forcing himself to eat. And when we got home he decided to stop drinking wine for a while to see if a bit of overindulgence during the past few months while not working much was causing problems for him. 

And by the beginning of October he knew a trip to the doctor was in order. I was thinking that it might be gallbladder problems, as a lot of the symptoms lined up with that. Ok, I admit I might have been 'ostriching' and burying my head in the sand because I didn't want to consider alternatives. 

He had all the typical blood, urine and stools tests done and although things weren't totally off the charts, a lot of things were slightly elevated or low. The doctor suggested that pointed to some sort of infection in the body and sent him for a CT scan. I now suspect that he thought it was more than "some sort of infection" but as a doctor is trained not to scare the crap out of the patient and their spouse before absolutely necessary. 

On October 16th the C-bomb was dropped. Tumours too numerous to count in the liver and throughout the belly cavity (outside the organs) were deemed to be secondary cancer, so no steps could be taken until the primary source was determined. 

Over the next few days he had scopes and scans and further tests that showed further secondary tumours in the lungs and the primary tumour in the esophagus. There was no treatment available beyond prayers of desperation and preparation for the inevitable. 

While he wasn't eating much and he had some discomfort, his pain level was really minimal considering what was going on inside his body. 

He didn't sleep a lot during the night, but he spent many hours just "hanging out with Jesus." He conversed with Him. Sang with Him. And just chilled in His presence. He explained it as being almost out of body - his body was low and failing but his spirit was flying. This was a blessing for me to witness. I also saw his body failing rapidly day-by-day but I was so relieved by his peaceful demeanour. And I will be forever grateful for the minimal physical suffering he experienced. 

Albert believed beyond a shadow of doubt that God was able to heal him. Yet even in his declarations of faith and prayers of hope, he graciously accepted that that God ultimately had the final decision and he was okay with whatever the outcome. 

Wrapped in love

My faith was a little shallower. Or perhaps it was just God giving me the full time we had left to prepare myself for what was coming. But from the very first diagnosis I clearly felt Albert would not see 2019 this side of heaven. I really hate being wrong, but this is one time I prayed desperately that I was. 

But it was not to be. 

Forty three days after the bomb was dropped, my world imploded. 

And I don't have a lot more to say about the final 33 days of the year 2018. For sure, they have been filled with blessing and love from those who surround me, and for that I am very very grateful. 

But mostly they feel surreal. I am still just waiting for my beloved to get home from nightshift...

So, I wish for you a Happy New Year. 

But for me, it will take some time before "pleasure and contentment" once again become a reality. In the meantime I shall try to embrace gratitude. Gratitude for what was. Gratitude for what is. 

How to get a Kitchenaid for 20 Bucks

Kitchen Aid. Even those who don't really cook dream of owning one. But the price can be hard to justify if you know you won't use it more than a handful of times in a year.

Here's how I got mine for 20 bucks.

I bake most of my own bread and have off and on for years.  Two years ago, just before Christmas when they came on sale at Costco, I finally justified the purchase of a Kitchenaid to help me with the task.

Many stores offer great discounts on these appliances around Christmas but I opted to purchase at Costco for two reasons: it was the larger professional size which is better for bread making and you can't beat Costco's return policy should something go wrong.
(As a side note, the professional one is the 'bowl lift' style and doesn't have a tilt-head. This is bit of a pain in the arse if you ask me, but I traded that feature for the larger size. I believe you can order the smaller tilt-head style on Costco.ca)

The Costco shelf price was $379 and the sale in 2016 offered $100 off. So I paid $279 AND through the Kitchenaid website there was an additional $100 rebate during December that year. So basically, I paid $179, which I found rather easy to justify.

About 8 months later after faithfully making all our bread in the machine, I was making another batch and I may or may not have left the room for a little too long while it was kneading. I returned to find blue smoke billowing from the machine that had come to a grinding halt.  I returned it to Costco and got my $279 back. So now I have essentially been paid $100 for my troubles.

But I missed the machine and a couple of months later when they came on sale at Costco again just before Christmas I purchased another one for $299. (Damn inflation) And low and behold if Kitchenaid didn't have another $100 rebate offer to coincide.

So to keep you up with the math, I paid $279 was returned that amount, then I paid $299  but have received $100 back twice, so total paid so far was $99.

The second machine I purchased always had a bit of a wonky switch and I had to turn the machine off and on twice to get it to come on. Totally a manufacturer's defect but I limped along with it for a year. Until this past week. And Costco had their annual Christmas sale on. However, this time the sale is only an $80 savings. So I paid $319 for a new machine, but received $299 back for the one I returned. And guess what! Kitchenaid has their annual Christmas rebate online. So yes, I get another $100 back.
Are you keeping up with the math??

Total paid to Costco: $897
Total returned from Costco: $578
Total rebates back from Kitchenaid: $300
$897-578-300= $19  Plus tax of course.

Of course I also need to factor in my Costco Executive card rebate as well as the MasterCard rebates so in reality I say it was 20 bucks, but it was probably more like free.

Feelin' sorta smug with my new machine hoping the 3rd one's the charm.

Hopefully 3rd time's the charm

His Song Has Ended But the Melody Lingers

On November 28, 2018 my world imploded.

My husband was my everything, but he also had a profound impact on everyone else in his life. And on December 8th we celebrated that impact.

I am so very grateful for the generosity of so many who helped to make Albert's celebration of life an incredible day. There were nearly 500 people there to share in the tears, love and laughter but many more were unable to be present so here is a glimpse into life of Albert for you.

Excerpt from Memorial Card at the service:

Albert graced the earth with his presence in Port Alberni on October 25, 1960. The fact that his mother weighed the same the day before he was born as she did before she got pregnant is symbolic of Albert’s nature – he was never a weight or a burden on anyone.
   As a child he was extremely shy, and as a teen he was a bit of a prankster and had the ability to gross you out like none other. 
  Throughout his life he had a quick wit and an even quicker tongue that often dripped with sarcasm. You didn’t have to know him long to realize you could not outwit, out-insult or outsmart him and it was to your favour to concede early. 
   Even in Albert’s rebellious days he had a heart of love at his core, and the gift of service to others has always be evident in his life.
  In January 1982 he and Liana were married at the ages of 21 and 17. While not exactly recommended, they proved that love and commitment are attainable at any age. 
   Albert’s proudest achievements were his children: Brandi who together with her husband Kore , gave him his “Nolly girl” and “Schmoey girl” – Beatrice and Daphne. His eldest son, Ken, and wife Jade, made him “Papa” in 2009 with the birth of his only grandson, Xander, his “Little Buddy.” They followed up with his little “Boopsie Boo” three years later with the birth of Maeve. 
   Albert & Liana’s son Jed was a gift from God who completed their family a year after their baby Ben went to heaven at the age of 5 months.
   Albert’s talents were many, and his heart was giving, and as such he blessed everyone he met in one way or another. Whether he did a job for you using one of his many physical skills, led you in worship or entertained you with his music talents, or simply offered you encouraging words with his wisdom and realness, he did it all with a side of sarcasm and humour. 
  On November 28, 2018 when a short battle with cancer hastened his journey to heaven, a large hole was left in the lives of all that he touched. 
   He was fond of saying, “Love ya deep.” And he truly did. He would be honoured if you took that love he shared with you and passed it on in intentional ways with those around you. 
  Singing was Albert’s favourite thing and we cannot even begin to imagine his current joy, as he is harmonizing with the saints and angels around the throne of God forevermore. 

Display in the foyer was an incredible reproduction of our sanctuary at the lake. 

"This do in remembrance of me" 

Great job Lucy & crew for making a mish-mash of weird items into a cohesive display

The Christmas decorations already at the church worked well 

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