Yesterday was the anniversary of Albert's passing.

I had a cry day.

It's kind of an odd position to be in. To be so blessed, in love, and living my best life, while simultaneously grieving the loss of my other best life. And what a blessing that my new love also grieves my past love - JimE and I truly have a special thing going that few others can really understand.

Anyway, let me rabbit trail a bit here...

Our Northern Health region is currently in a different 'special lock down' than the rest of the province. And as such church has been mandated to online or zoom sessions only.

Each week JimE and Beth lead worship music; one opens with a set-list and the other closes with a couple of songs and they take turns opening and closing.

JimE opened his laptop yesterday (Sunday) morning to send his two closing songs to her. And lo and behold Beth had already sent him her set list. Both lists included "Father of Lights." (Which, incidently, is one of my faves.)

Anyway, in collaboration they decided they'd start the meeting with Beth leading it and JimE would finish off leading it again. It actually worked well.

*** end of rabbit trail ***

As a sort of last minute thing that evening, a group of us decided to meet at 6pm at Northern Lights Winery to walk through the festival of lights. Actually I think it's called "Light up the Orchard" but I always call it "Festival of Lights."

It was a nice warm evening and the walk was beautiful.

When our half hour session was over we all just sort of stood in the parking lot with no real plan since it was sort of a last minute group date. So I just threw it out there, "Party at our house!" Poor JimE. He's a good sport and is learning to just go with it when I get crazy.

And twenty minutes later the party was at our house.

I was grateful we had gotten the inside Christmas decorating done this weekend to compliment the outdoor decor that's been up for a couple of weeks. And grateful we always have charcuterie fixings and wine on hand. It was like we'd planned this party for weeks, when in fact I was a crying mess just a few hours before. We have good friends.

But we are all old people. And the party was over by 9:30. We did a quick clean up and Jim sat to watch the recorded hockey game.

I felt the need to debrief the day, so plunked down at my computer and set out to blog. Blogging has always been my own personal therapy that I just happen to publicly share with anyone else who may be entertained by it.

I sat at my keyboard starting and restarting a blog entry many times, but just couldn't get it to go in a direction I needed it to. So I took a wee Facebook break.

And the first thing that pops up on my feed is a post by my sis-in-law Coralie commemorating her brother Albert. Her post included about a half dozen photos and a video. The video was recorded during Albert's last session he had in his music room in September 2018. The phone actually fell over at the beginning of the recording, so it's just a black screen with audio. Audio of Albert singing, "Father of Lights."

Seriously?!!?

And with that, blogging went out the window. That was the therapy I needed. To finish off my "Festival of Lights" day with another version of Father of Lights.

*****

This morning I went back to my computer to see if there was anything salvagable in my attempted blogging from the night before. Nope. Nothin' to see there.

However, I noticed the post I wrote last year on November 28th. While I did publish the post I didn't actually publicly share it. I'm not sure why because I never do that. The post was only viewed 5 times. And 4 of them were probably me.

Perhaps someone needs to read it this year.

So here is my blog entry for November 28, 2020:

Learning the Attitude of Gratitude.

"He's gone."

A very short sentence, with life altering impact, that needed no further explanation.

Without a doubt the three worst phone calls I have ever had to make. On the worst day of my life- November 28, 2018.

It's been two years today since I said goodbye to the man who had been my everything for 38 years and eight days.

I've done a lot of reminiscing this past week or so. I recall last year fearing the coming of November 28, the first anniversary of losing him, and how it signified to me a moving on of sorts. Well, actually I prefer to think of it as a moving forward.

And here at the second anniversary, I acknowledge that by the grace of God, I have moved forward. This doesn't mean I forget all that Albert brought to my life. For surely I am blessed beyond measure every.single.day by the things he provided for me. And daily I am grateful. Even on days when missing him actually physically hurts my heart.

I would have NEVER imagined that I would be remarried two years later. Never imagined who I would be remarried to. Never imagined building a new house. Never imagined, never imagined, never imagined....

Never imagined.

I actually have a fantastic imagination.

And I do tend to imagine stuff.

I try not to live in fear and imagine the worst 'what ifs."

But I do find myself often imagining "what if ...." And then trying to pre-live a scenario. Not so much to bring fear upon myself, but more in a "prepare myself for anything" situation. And I truly believe it has saved me on many an occasion to walk through situations with a little more grace and confidence than might be expected. Or than I actually feel.

Walking through grief is always uncharted territory. And there is no set pattern to follow. No right way to grieve. No wrong way to navigate. No matter how many grief sessions you are required to walk through.

I have lost a child. Lost my Mom. Lost my Dad. Lost my grandparents. Lost my bestest friend. Lost my in-laws. Lost my husband of 37 years. And at times I've felt I've lost my sanity.

And I still don't know how to accurately walk through this sh!t.

Truly, I want more than anything to be able to post a blog or write a book with a step-by-step guide on how to navigate loss.

But there is no such guide.

The absolute best advice I can give is to daily be grateful. This is ultimately what has sustained me. Being grateful every.single.day. Even on the hardest days, find something to be grateful for.

As encouraged by St Paul in Thessalonians: in everything give thanks. It doesn't mean being thankful for everything that comes your way. But rather, in every circumstance focus your mind on things you can be grateful for.

I can't describe it, but finding gratitude in all things has changed my life.

And for that I am grateful.